Written by: Amanda Teo (Photo by: Lee Wei Jie)

How I stopped pleading God for forgiveness

Whenever we speak of forgiveness, it is often about finding the grace to forgive someone or receiving forgiveness. Yet, I’ve discovered that it is different to accept forgiveness from God for every sin in my life. When I receive His grace, a quiet assurance wafts in and I find the confidence to approach His throne with my head held high.

For years, I simply could not find it in me to forgive myself of sexual sins, ill-discipline, and unbelief amongst other sins. It was too easy to give in to the temptations of the flesh — whether choosing sleep over reading the Word, being ashamed of my faith, or holding onto selfish desires. Too often have I felt ungrateful and ugly; stuck in the wretched tension of despising the body staring at me in the mirror and the knowledge that I am God’s masterpiece. My heart was riddled with perpetual guilt, shame, and self-pity; my mind fixated on God’s disappointment with me. There was surely no way I deserved to be forgiven. I was a beggar, desperate in my desire to find favour with Him.

Forgiveness through Christ remained an increasingly distant concept, for the bitter nagging at the back of the mind pushed me further and further away from pursuing intimacy with God. Insecurity and inadequacy raged ever so fiercely in heart, unlatching the knowledge that I am fully accepted by God.

So I worked for my intimacy with God. Little did I know, I was striving in my faith, making my salvation about my good works rather than God’s amazing grace. I validated my forgiveness with hours of prayer, and justified my sins with painstakingly memorised verses. Maybe the time spent pressing into the presence of God could compensate the times where I neglected God? I worked salvation out on my knees, finding assurance in the bruises and in the wearing out of the carpet — surely I have found approval now?

God’s forgiveness failed to reach the cove of my heart until He whispered into it one day, “My daughter, I have already forgiven you; would you forgive yourself? If you believe that My corrections are meant to build you up, would you believe that My forgiveness and grace do the same? Your heart already condemns yourself Amanda. But you are no longer condemned; you are redeemed by My death on the Cross. Wipe away your tears, stand up. You are worthy to be loved.”

I got reminded of 1 John 3:20-23: “If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from Him anything we ask, because we keep His commands and do what pleases Him. And this is His command: to believe in the name of His Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as He commanded us.”

We often spiral into self-pity when we’ve sinned. Self-pity deems us damaged, and condemned. It locks us up in bondage, and downgrades a son to a slave, a prince to a beggar. Self-pity disguises itself as humility, and deceives us into lowering ourselves to the point of feeling unworthy and small. Self-pity made a home in my heart, and I wished that God would take pity on me and pour out His favour and forgiveness. However, I’ve learnt that true humility is found in being vulnerable and honest before Him; knowing that His favour and forgiveness is already given so freely, and all I need to do is receive.

In learning to forgive myself, I discovered three fundamental truths about the forgiveness of God:

1. Jesus died on the cross to bestow forgiveness, not to withhold it.

Don’t allow the lie of “God does not want to forgive you” or “you are too far away from God” to be planted in your heart, for that is exactly what the devil desires for you. Jesus did not choose to die on the Cross for nothing; He died for such a great purpose: to see you fully and wholly cleansed, redeemed, and embraced in the Father’s arms.

2. Forgiveness has to be received

Forgiveness given by God does not automatically equate to forgiveness received. While every person has been forgiven, only those who receive it can truly say that they are forgiven. I knew in my head that my sins are all washed clean, but I was sorely lacking a spiritual revelation of the forgiving power of Christ, hindering the acknowledgement of my need to be forgiven. Even in your brokenness, may you receive it with open arms.

3. Forgiveness is never about what I can do, but what has been done on the Cross

We can never earn forgiveness from God. Forgiveness, like salvation, can never be worked for, but received freely. In the earnestness of our hearts, let us not cry “Father, please forgive me?” but instead give thanks and praise for all that He has already forgiven.

May you find freedom from the bondage of self-pity, and confidently step into the beauty and wholeness of who you are. May the knowledge of His grace and forgiveness transcend limiting head knowledge — you are accepted and free in Christ. As the Holy Spirit sings melodies of His love and joy over you, may you find the grace to forgive yourself.

P.S. As I wrote this article, I felt the burden to write to those of you who want to end your life. There is one thing I have to say to you: forgive yourself because God has forgiven you. If you feel that you’ve reached the seemingly devastating end, like there’s no way out for you, let Him love you into wholeness. Remember, there’s nothing too heavy for Him to carry on your behalf. You are worthy, so worthy, to be loved.